For Immediate Release:

It has been determined that women owe it to Precisely No One to look younger than their chronological age. The removal of this obligation extends to all relationships, including those they have with themselves, their partners, colleagues, random strangers, The People Of The Internet, and Friends With Whom They Went To High School.

Furthermore, it has been determined that, should a woman wish to appear younger than she currently does, she is permitted to take measures to do so. This permission extends to any creams, lotions, lasers, injectables, surgeries, enchantments, and blood oaths in which she may wish to engage. It is not permitted for a woman (or any person) to force unwilling parties to engage in said treatments, however it has been determined that if a woman is the sole proprietor of her face, she may do with it Whatever the Actual Hell she shall choose.

Consequently, if a woman has done any of the aforementioned procedures, it is no longer a criminal offense for her to look as if that is the case. It so follows that anyone who has “frozen face,” “pillow face,” “duck face,” or any other manner of face bearing evidence of alteration shall not be tried in the court of public opinion but shall instead be free to go about her Damn Business.

It is now also deemed permissible for women to look younger than their chronological age owing to natural causes including genetics, early avoidance of sun exposure, and sufficient quantities of melanin. As such, it is no longer necessary to resent these women or to speculate as to the degree to which they have engaged in anti-aging treatments. This recommendation stems primarily from this activity having been deemed a deeply uninteresting use of that most finite resource: time. 

It is recommended that the term “aging gracefully” be retired in favour of “aging – what a motherfucking privilege.”

Inasmuch as none of these measures is in service of the Patriarchy, their successful implementation shall depend almost exclusively upon early adoption by All Women. Inasmuch as All Women have heretofore been categorically unable to satisfy a complex and mutually exclusive set of standards with regard to their physical appearance in the process of aging, it is anticipated that All Women will flourish upon gaining access to A Fucking Break.

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