A Letter To My Son

There are so many things about God I am unlearning right now, just at the time that I am supposed to be teaching you. There are so many things that I do not want to pass down to you.

And yet, there are some things that I really, really want you to know:

I want you to know that you are held.
I want you to know that there is a Love out there that will still envelop you, no matter how long you freefall in a dark space.
I don’t want to tell you that if you have enough faith that everything will turn out alright.
Because, in my experience, it won’t,
and that expectation will become a dagger in your heart.
I don’t want to tell you that you’re going to be healed.
Because, sometimes you will be, and sometimes you won’t.
And sometimes the people you love will be, and sometimes they won’t.
And there really doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it.
I can say this:
Sometimes you’ll get the miracle you ask for.
And it will blow your mind wide open and fill your heart with wonder and gratitude.
But sometimes you won’t get that miracle.
Sometimes the Worst Possible Thing will happen.
And it will tear your heart wide open and leave your mind stumbling.
But in those times, you’ll find a different sort of miracle – a quieter one but in no way less wondrous.
The miracle is that the Love I told you about will be there in that horrible, horrible void.
That it will wrap itself around you while the whole world falls apart.
And that at some point, you will get up off the floor.
At some point, you will get dressed.
At some point, you will walk back out into the world.
And when you do, you’ll be a little more tender. And your roots will stretch a little deeper.
And you’ll have a power possessed only by people who have been to dark places:
the ability to really see another person.
And to sit with them in a dark place.
And be Love there.
And that’s one of the most important gifts you can give the world.

a call for help in a time of deconstruction

God who holds everything together
by whom molecules bind 
and firing neurons form thoughts
Inventor of toddler snuggles
and loving glances
by whom rocks banging together can result in 
spring thaws
the living sound of water escaping snow under a late february sun
of birds, giddy with newness, in competition for the most weightless song
incursions of purple into a wasteland of white 
as the crocuses sense that something is coming
it’s coming
there’s snow on the ground
but we know that it’s coming
and you can’t tell us otherwise

God by whom I have been seen
God who has met me 
on the floor of that apartment
on the way to that hospital
who has not required of me 
perfect dogma
who has only asked me 
to accept comfort
and to know peace
who at times when there was no floor 
has told me that I would not fall forever
who has shown me that 
even when it is not alright
somehow still I am alright

I’ll call you by the names I know
but I do not expect the name that I call matters 
as much as that I call
and ask for a floor
just, at some point, a floor
and that when I land
I would not be alone